The Guide to Childhood
by Astronomer Always
Summary: Based off of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.  The Guide to Childhood is a magnificent book that should be in the possession of all school aged children.  It wasn't however due to reading not being considered a very fun thing to do.
1. Groups

After reading a very humorous book called _The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_ I have been inspired to write this. For those of you who haven't read the book, in it are funny descriptions of ways to handle things that happen to the unfortunate characters. And I thought, this would be fun to do for _Recess_! This will cover a variety of characters, not just the gang we all love. But the first two or three will be.

I am not good with mimicking the style of Mr. Adams, but I'm trying my best.

_The hitchhikers Guide to Childhood is a magnificent book that should be in the possession of all school aged children. In its bindings were way to handle any and all situations that a child might find themselves in. It wasn't however, due to most children not finding reading to be a very fun thing to do. Even still, they follow methods and advice the book entails. One of the first entries in the Guide is on groups._

_In just about every school in the country there are children. Each of these children are usually around other children that they share common interests. The purpose of this is for all of them to feel somewhat normal, even if the group wasn't considered normal by all the other groups. However, there was a very rare occurrence where five or six children who had just about nothing in common found a way to get along. Not shockingly, they had the biggest arguments adding to the fact that this group type shouldn't exist. But for an unknown reason this type of group had the strongest bonds. To make up for being an impossible group type, they proved their worth by helping the student body rebel against the faculty who was being paid from the taxes of the children's parents. _

_In all group formations, there three main steps. The first involves one child A having an overwhelming need to not be an outcast, and identifying others who feel the same way. Failure to do this will lead child M to find solace through adults and faculty, leading to a life of being in a cold room filing papers, while child A correctly followed the first step. The second step is child A figuring out what the other children can do for them. This comes off as a very selfish gesture to most, but those are the people who forget that this is the process for forming groups and not friendships; that was a different process. The final and most difficult step is to wait until something happens that requires all of their skills then manage to be around each other when this happens. Following these three steps is 50% effective in forming groups._

_Since there are on average 50-50 split between the genders in schools, the epidemic of cooties causes 10% of the failure rate. The other 40% is due to a group not being able to handle more than one member with the same characteristics. _

In the middle of the playground at Third Street school was a rope that suddenly found itself to be in very compromised position. This was because it was being pulled on both ends by two groups of children. On one end were a group of six impossible friends who has only participating because of the other group's threat. This group belonged to a larger group of fourth graders.

On the opposite end of the rope was a very plausible group. This group was the cause of the rope predicament. They were considered by the impossible group to be a nuisance, and often rained on their parade. They, like the other group, belonged to a larger group of fifth graders.

These two groups pulled with all of there might, not wanting to be humiliated in front of their peers.

Eventually the small group of fifth graders found themselves coming in contact with the cold, hard ground and the impossible group cheered in victory.

"We won! That means you guy's have to leave us alone for a month!" Vince told the other group.

"Yeah, yeah," Said Lawson as he picked himself off the ground a dusted the dirt off hi clothes. "Whatever. Come on guys." He led his group away from their shame. Like them, the impossble group walked away to play, knowing that they wouldn't be interrupted. Halfway there however, the bell that signals the end of recess rang, putting a stop to any plans they had to have fun. Still, they walked away knowing they had a month free of interuptions.


	2. Monarchy

Ah, I'm using the episode when King Bob made the playground build a pyramid for this chapter/guide entry. I think it's called Pharaoh Bob. Things may not go exactly how the episode did because I haven't seen it in a while. I hope you all enjoy.

Read on!

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><p><em>When asked about monarchies, the guide has this to say: they always fail. This can be found in monarchies around the world. The greatest example of this would be the monarchy of England. Long ago, whoever managed to be born on the throne, whether or not they were qualified, were put in charge of a large group of people who were very pissed off. Because the group of people were substantially greater in number than the two who were sitting on the throne, they had a habit of rebelling. Through that, the parliament was created and the monarchs no longer have any real power. In fact the only power they still possess is the ability to captivate millions through a televised event when they decide to expand their families. Even through that, they continued to piss people off.<em>

_So it is considered to be one of the basic forms of government there is. This would explain why it has being taken up on playgrounds around the country. And just like a normal monarchy, the throne is passed down, subject's rebel violently, and it is repeatedly shown that the throne holds no real power._

Standing in front of his throne on top of the jungle gym, King Bob watched as the entire playground approached, waving fists and shouting screams of anger. A few days ago he made the students build a massive pyramid in his name to remember him by. He didn't want to be like that one King whose name no one can remember! He wanted to be one of the greats! And what better way to achieve that than by being known as the one who built a huge pyramid?

Apparently the student body didn't agree, and after this, they would rather not remember the king at all. Like all subjects under a tyrant ruler, they felt the need to show just how pissed they were. But that was not okay for King Bob. If that was going to be the case, this whole thing would have been for nothing.

But he had to pick his battles, and this was one he wasn't going to win. Walking to the edge of the jungle gym, he told the students that he was wrong for making them do such strenuous labor for his own selfish reason's, they no longer had to do it, and asked for them to forgive them. Still, they didn't want to. Seeing that his subjects were continuing to be irate, he repelled the gum tax.

After a moment of silence, cheer erupted from the crowd, and the King sat down in his thrown, satisfied that things were back in order.

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><p>RandalXSpinelli: I had to read that book <em>twice<em> to understand it. But it was still good. I actually wanted to write the book, but with the Recess characters in place of the original characters 'cause they fit in SO perfectly. The other chapters will just cover basic subjects in schools and stuff like that, but each one is going to have a character or two to help explain it.

If anyone has a subject that they want covered feel free to drop it in a review. :)

Please Review!


	3. Girls

With all these updates it doesn't seem like i'm on a haitus does it? I sort am, since I should be doing work, but i'm sort not, since writing fics is a stress relief. But i'm sure you don't mind the updates...

I love this chapter. It's about girls, like the title (duh). After this chapter will come one about boys (OH MAH GAWD, NOUGH WAI!) So enjoy it.

Read On!

_One of the most popular and looked up entries in the guide is the one titled Girls. This was mostly due to half of the owners of the guide being boys and that school aged boys had no understanding of the opposite gender that they considered to be aliens. _

_The first thing the guide says about girls is that they are made of three simple ingredients: sugar, spice, and everything nice. These three simple ingredients are misleading however, because no girl has and equal mixture of these ingredients, creating all sorts of personalities. If a girl is made up of more spice than sugar and everything nice, you will get Girl Type S or the Punk. Girl Type S is notorious for showing her spice in the form of spunkiness, strength, and an overall 'I don't take shit from anyone,' attitude. If a girl is made up of more Sugar and Spice resulting in a very low amount of everything nice, Girl Type A or The Powderpuff is created. Though they don't show their spice through strength, they enjoy expressing it through taunting Girl Type S and everyone else on the playground, only to get away with it half the time because of the amount of sugar they are made up of. _

_Girl Type T also known as the Smooth Sailor is composed of Sugar and everything nice. Known mostly for her universal kindness towards everybody, she is normally left to innocently enjoy her days, free of torment. The type of girl with mostly everything nice has gone extinct._

_The next thing the guide has to say about girls is that they can read your mind. If you think that they don't know it, you are wrong; they knew it before you knew that you it. The only people who are invincible to this ability are other girls, who coincidentally are the ones that girls try to use it against the most. Sadly, these conflicts end up in catfights._

_On an ending note, the guide has this to say: Boy's should enjoy girls while they can, because it gets a lot more confusing when you become attracted to them. For a lucky 2%, you don't have to worry about this attraction developing._

Punching the walls in her room, Spinelli tried to control her rage but found that to be a very difficult task. Earlier that day, she and her friends, minus Gus and Mikey, had gotten trapped in the Ashley's clubhouse after suspecting something was behind their sudden act of kindness in giving them tickets to Wrestle-Mania. Sadly (or happily in Gus and Mikey's case) there was nothing wrong with the tickets, and she blew the chance of a lifetime due to her own paranoia.

_"Why didn't I just take the tickets?" _She screamed in her mind and she continues to punch the wall. _"Why did I have to be so suspicious?"_

"Well, It was the Ashley's," She said out loud. "What was I supposed to expect from those creampuffs?"

"Honey!" Her father held from down the hall. "Wrestle-Mania is coming on! Hurry or you're gonna miss it!"

"At least I can watch it on TV," Said Spinelli. Running towards the door, she headed to the living room to enjoy a night of guy beating each other up.


	4. Boys

**Some of these chapters will have stories to help explain the entries, and some won't, like this one. I just couldn't come up with one. But the entry is good.**

**Read on!**

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><p><em>The next most popular entry in the guide is the one on Boys. Like the entry on girls, this was mostly due to half of the owners of the guide being girls who only wished to understand the inner workings of the opposite gender that they were sure came from Jupiter, explaining how they were impossibly stupider than the average human.<em>

_The most important thing about boys that girls should know is that each and every boy is made up of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Like girls, the ingredients are not distributed evenly, resulting in many types of boys with the main four being the Show-Off, the Softie, the Hidden Tiger, and the Trickster._

_Made of mostly puppy dog tails and snips is the Show-Off. Like his name implies, the Show-Off has a habit of showing everyone just how good he is in sports, often by playing against more than one opponent by himself and winning. The Show-offs winning is always followed by a well-earned gloating fest. The next type of the boy, the Softie, if composed mainly of puppy dog tails. Known for his soft and gentle nature not found in most boys, he is the rarest type. The Softie is well known for being the most expressive and artistic of the four main types, and often gives out advise for those in need._

_The Hidden Tiger, like the name implies, has a hidden tiger-like personality. He is made up of snails. Although he mostly is the timid and shy one in the crowd, if he finds himself or his friends in any form of immediate danger, his personality changes to resemble that of a tiger._

_Lastly is the Trickster, who is known by school faculty for being a demon spawn sent from hell to make their lives miserable, though the other students don't feel this way. Well known for his pranks, this type is made up of an even amount of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Although this type is well liked, they are prone to corruption, and take up a vast majority of dictators that have existed._

_The next thing the guide has to say about boys it that they will always stay boys, never fully growing out of their childlike state even once they have become an adult with a career, have a wife (or husband) and have children of their own._


	5. Sportsmanship

Being a child usually includes games being played with one's peers, and all games have winners and losers. Those that do not have winners and losers are not truly games but gimmicks to avoid the hurting of feelings. With the idea of winning and losing comes the concept of sportsmanship was born.

If one was looking up sportsmanship in the guide they would find this: It does not exist.

This is widely refuted by players who claim to be nice to the opposing team. The writers of the guide know better, because they know that those who win temporarily feel superior to the team they defeated. A cloud of smug hovers over their head as they pretend to be humble when in reality they want to tell the defeated how much they suck at what they do in six different languages while tap dancing and ending the display with fireworks.

Even though it is a universal rule to be courteous losers and gracious winners to your opponent, it is also universally known that trying to follow those rules it nearly impossible, and when you try to do so it is painfully obvious that you want to do the opposite and makes it even worse. And even though it seems that accepting the fact that sportsmanship doesn't exist would be best for all involved, doing so would only cause more conflict because everyone would get on everyone's nerves.

This is best seen in children who win every game they play.

In the rare occurrence that they lose a game (or the even rarer occurrence that they have a tie) the never-losing child makes sure that their opponent knows that it was a fluke that will never happen again rather than lose gracefully and have good sportsmanship.

Although the inability of humans to have good sportsmanship seems detrimental to the species, it is ultimately for the best because people strive to improve themselves, making them more fit to survive, reproduce, and advance the human race.

**~*~U~*~**

'Who does he think he is? He won one game against me and now he thinks he's the best! Who does Lawson think he is?' After a devastating lost to Lawson and his crew in a game of kickball, Vince was left fuming. He and his friends always won again Lawson and his crew and just the idea of losing made him mad. When it did happen right in front of his eyes he was enraged. There was no way that it should've happened. His friends, knowing Vince's competitive nature, tried to reassure him that it was a one-time thing that he should just roll off his back. Vince however thought otherwise.

There was no way that he was going to let Lawson get the idea that he was better at ANYTHING, and he was on a mission to prove to the fifth grader that the game was a fluke. Lawson actually winning a game against _him_. Impossible. Things like that just didn't happen. He was already planning to challenge him to another game at second recess to let Lawson know that fact. Being a grateful loser? Vince didn't know the meaning of those words and was not going to look it up anytime soon.


End file.
